Just when I'm just feeling drained, tired from gymming, aching like crazy, not having any new year's clothes to wear, and then the honours project looming with 4 weeks of crunch time, and her...
All this will go into the museum of my memory, the mausoleum haunted by ghosts of dire pasts. I lie there, my heart numbed, each beat a whisper of a secret nobody knows, but so soft like transparent gauze - nobody knows it's there, and nobody's there to hear them. But the mind races with a hundred thousand dreams of what ifs - and a million maybes, frozen within the body unmoving, unable to react to the stimuli of hindsight, a billion chess moves ahead, but no way to use them.
I'm so stuck in a moment I could very well sell glue.
That being said, this is tehemoblog only because I've nobody to really whine to that hasn't heard the entire story before. So here it goes.
I sometimes wonder if I'll end up totally wearied and bitter and faded and jaded and cruel by the end of it all - I don't claim to be the most patient person around, but sometimes it just gets really trying. Seeing that I'm actually considering the possibility of this happening to me just really scares me a little.
I do see the promises and the potential - but just as I too see my frailties and failures. And above all I wonder, in the end, how all this strain will end up affecting everything.
I guess it's pretty liberating to know that I'm no longer writing for an audience of one (sorry Alanna, but I hope you understand what I mean), and so each sporadic post feels a lot more free to just... go on any tangent I want to, and I guess it's quite clear where the tangent lies right now. Suffice to say certain peoples have no idea I've restarted on this blog, or have at least shown no signs of the realization, as simple as finding this blog might be.
(First is the moment where you think you think it.)
It's probably only love when you know how to respect that person, to forsake pleasure which will lead to regret, and to prevent the regret that will hurt the future. It is rejecting the many moments for forever, to no longer count the moments, but to look at the future that is no longer a moment - it becomes the everlast.
(There's the moment you think you know it.)
I thought I saw it before, I glimpsed it I think, but all that lights and flares were just warnings, and then like a moth to a flame, I got burnt by the incandescence of artifice.
(There's the moment where you know you know it, but you can't yet say it.)
Sometimes it's important to divulge certain aspects of my thought processes with a certain verbosity, if only just to sound entirely obscure (but not), but to also flex my brain muscles in entirely wrong ways.
(And then there's the moment where you know you know it, and you can't keep it in anymore.)
I'm not especially emo - things are really coming along, day by day, as they generally come along, ups and downs, hills and dales, but it's those times when suddenly everything seems quiet, when nobody's around, and suddenly it feels like I live in some darkness, and I fade into everybody's background - a hundred other open windows above me. I'm very thankful to find solace in that I'm never truly alone, no matter how often it feels that way.
Anberlin Haunting
Up on this hill, in this uncanny house The wind makes this place creak The lights they are flickering The moon she is lurking The clock it stopped working, at a quarter past three There's something dancing, here in the shadows And I wish it were us
You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight Tonight Tonight
Can't get your memory off of my mind Just want your heartbeat on top of my mine There's something dancing, here in the shadows and I wish it were us
You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight Tonight Tonight
Up on this hill, in this uncanny house Your spirit I can't see but I still believe, I can feel your breath on me
You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight Up on this hill, in this uncanny house
Ended off the first day of the new year having a really long conversation with the girl, something we hadn't really had the chance to do so for a really long time. I'd of course wanted to usher in the new year with good wishes and tight hugs, but it was not to be. Being able to talk so long and so well with someone is really magic - there is no other word for it, not supernatural, especially since everything just feels so natural - but of course, one must not let it be confused with the haze of meeting someone new, the constant joy of discovery, of mapping unknown regions. It is joy to constantly be able to not only learn old things that become new in your eyes, but also to be learning new things for the person - watching as an covert darwinian machinery does it work, and the person changes, is moulded, evolves, but yet remains the same. I am still constantly amazed and flabbergasted.
Talking to someone special makes my heart sing, a little chorus that is finally in tune. Spending time with makes my heart warm, the fireplace there finally having the soot dusted off. Being close becomes something natural, like snowflakes or summer rain, like vines entwining, or buds blossoming.
So as we take our time to explore an ersatz professional relationship... I know it won't be easy, but I also know it's do-able. I'd survived 24 years without, and another 24 years isn't an impossibility. This is possibly the price I (continue to pay) for being in some bizarre love triangle (again).
I've never had a proper chance to blog about all this, and this does not even begin to excapsulate the situation by far. I could delve further into hyperbole, dig up mixed metaphors and synthesize similes to make someone smile, but... what's the point? Sometimes it's hard to explain something, and something like this even harder - especially with the situation as weird as it seems. Sometimes when people ask I'm not sure what to say...
Somehow I've simplified it to "a decision was not made", and I think it placates some people.
I steady myself, little failsafes, and I know I am surrounded both by friends who would fight my cause, and He who will lift me up as I fall. The important thing now is to trust, and to work on so many other things, so that this flawed and fragile human being can continue to be himself without having to build that shell for protection ever again.
To all those who keep me in mind, worry about me, let me make you fret, to all those who pray for me and love me and care for me and would only want the best for me:
I thank you for being there for me in whatever matter or form you're in, and here's to a great 2007 together, filled with joy, peace, hope and love - let us continue to grow together.
This will be our year. ----------
And I think it's starting now! Got an email out of the blue... I won't talk so much about it right now, but suffice to say I'm really excited. Feel free to ask me what it's about.
Quite a different way to spend the new year for me - spent it dressed up (all faux retro) at my church countdown, and really had lots of fun just fooling around even with my belly hanging out from here all the way to my other blog. Then it was off to Alex's HUGE house... for a nap, on the most part, then more sleeping. Washing the gel out of my hair took ages.
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Right now I'm playing my good old New Year's anthem This Will Be My Year by Semisonic... It's been kinda like a tradition of sorts to play it at least once (most likely on repeat) and there's only been 1 year I didn't do it since I got the song. Interesting year, 2005. Still not quite sure what the song means, but the title line just gets me going :)
This Will Be My Year Semisonic
Thursday’s crush is a friday night rush And a monday morning cry It’s the tail that you keep chasing And it gets away every time
New years eve and it’s hard to believe Another zodiac’s gone around While you drank yourself high on hoping And watched the ceiling spin from the ground
Counting down from ten it’s time To make your annual prayer Secret santa in the sky When will I get my share
Then you tell yourself What you want to hear Cause you have to believe This will be my year
Pound your fist and cross it off your list But you know you’re not that strong When the man at the stop light catches you Singing along to a brand new song
Well maybe it’s Trash or the overnight smash that brings your Ship crashing through the wall So you can make your grand departure From a world getting way too small
One wheel in the ditch another Spinning in the air
Put your pedal down to the floorboard but you’re not Getting anywhere
Then you tell yourself What you want to hear Cause you have to believe This will be my year
It's never easy spending Christmas alone - other than the constant reminder to yourself that you aren't really alone. you aren't really alone. you aren't really alone.
you aren't really alone.
Sometimes things still don't make sense to me but I'll have to just move in faith and see where God leads me.
But still, I wish there were some way I could cheer you up - and also properly express myself. Biting my tongue for almost a year is pretty crazy. But I know I can wait.
Merry Christmas everybody, may His light shine upon your days.
