Ended off the first day of the new year having a really long conversation with the girl, something we hadn't really had the chance to do so for a really long time. I'd of course wanted to usher in the new year with good wishes and tight hugs, but it was not to be. Being able to talk so long and so well with someone is really magic - there is no other word for it, not supernatural, especially since everything just feels so natural - but of course, one must not let it be confused with the haze of meeting someone new, the constant joy of discovery, of mapping unknown regions. It is joy to constantly be able to not only learn old things that become new in your eyes, but also to be learning new things for the person - watching as an covert darwinian machinery does it work, and the person changes, is moulded, evolves, but yet remains the same. I am still constantly amazed and flabbergasted.
Talking to someone special makes my heart sing, a little chorus that is finally in tune. Spending time with makes my heart warm, the fireplace there finally having the soot dusted off. Being close becomes something natural, like snowflakes or summer rain, like vines entwining, or buds blossoming.
So as we take our time to explore an ersatz professional relationship... I know it won't be easy, but I also know it's do-able. I'd survived 24 years without, and another 24 years isn't an impossibility. This is possibly the price I (continue to pay) for being in some bizarre love triangle (again).
I've never had a proper chance to blog about all this, and this does not even begin to excapsulate the situation by far. I could delve further into hyperbole, dig up mixed metaphors and synthesize similes to make someone smile, but... what's the point? Sometimes it's hard to explain something, and something like this even harder - especially with the situation as weird as it seems. Sometimes when people ask I'm not sure what to say...
Somehow I've simplified it to "a decision was not made", and I think it placates some people.
I steady myself, little failsafes, and I know I am surrounded both by friends who would fight my cause, and He who will lift me up as I fall. The important thing now is to trust, and to work on so many other things, so that this flawed and fragile human being can continue to be himself without having to build that shell for protection ever again.
